Updated: Sep 13, 2022
The 7 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Looking For a Solution
One of the most natural and basic desires of human beings is to move forward and evolve. We are literally wired, biologically-speaking, not only to continue creating life but also to improve upon it. While our ancestors may have searched for better ways to survive physically, in today’s world, we also seek to evolve psychologically.
When we happen to find ourselves in a state of being stuck, lost, trapped or blocked from our own progression in some way, it can produce excruciating levels of anxiety, simply because one of the most fundamental aspects of our being appears to have shut down. Can you just take a second to contemplate the significance of that?
Being stuck can feel like nothing makes sense as it once did. It can be incredibly lonely watching everyone around you continue moving while you are somehow frozen in time. You might ask yourself questions like, “what’s wrong with me? How did I miss the boat? How did I get here?”
I know from personal experience the depth of this frustration. In the height of my stuckness, I observed my world grow darker until it became apparent to me that I was heading into the pit of depression, from which I knew it would be far more difficult to return. The image that always comes to mind when thinking of this slippery feeling is what I imagine the bottom-most pit of hell to be like from Dante’s Inferno, where the sinners are all just pulling on each other to try to climb out, making it impossible for anyone to get out.
Eternal stuckness. Our worst hell.
I’m guessing, however, that if you’re reading this article you don’t need me to describe the hell you’re living. You came here to find out why you’re still in it and how to finally get out of it, and this, my friend, is exactly what I’m going to share with you. Every piece of wisdom that I’m going to share with you here is what I wish I had access to when I was in your shoes. So, are you ready to move forward? Here are 7 mistakes you can finally stop making (and trust me, I made every one of these too).
1. You’re getting ahead of yourself
You think you have to have it all figured out right now. This very minute. Every last detail. You are a gazillion steps ahead and want everything in your life to change all at once.
Let me tell you something. No one ever got out of being stuck by one magical strike of lightning where suddenly everything they ever wanted fell into place.
The only thing you need to figure out right now, is your NEXT step. Not all the steps. Finding the next step is a heck of a lot simpler. All you need to do is follow your next highest excitement, or the path of least resistance if nothing excites you. If your highest excitement right now is going to your freezer and serving yourself a bowl of ice-cream, do it.
This may seem silly, but it’s tiny acts like this that help you to build a relationship with yourself in which you TRUST your intuition, gut or feelings to guide you towards positive experiences. One day that intuition is going to say to you, “the most exciting thing for me to do right now is to take this job offer in Bali,” and because you have built that trust with your inner guide, you won’t hesitate to take that action. It could be the best decision you’ve ever made.
Never underestimate where that tiny, seemingly unimportant next step will lead you.
2. You’re trying to control every component
You have a sort of “if you want something done, do it yourself” mentality. Problems don’t fix themselves!
Well actually, problems can fix themselves, if you stop trying to control them. Stop trying to be in charge of the how. You’re kind of limiting yourself to just one solution by believing you’re the only one who holds the answer.
For example, let’s say you’re trying to solve your money problems. You believe the only way to do this is by working overtime or finding more gigs. So you work yourself to death, stressing yourself out so much you completely miss the opportunities showing up at your doorstep, such as a friend trying to get a hold of you so they can repay an old debt or that expensive thing you had to buy going on sale at the other store. Money can come to us in a variety of ways and so can the things that we believe we need the money for, but only if we let go of how it has to come to us and open ourselves to the synchronistic ways in which life always provides for us.
Try replacing that do it yourself mentality with an “ask and you shall receive” one.
3. You’re trying to avoid your discomfort
The discomfort of where you are right now is so unbearable you take decisions, not because you really like them, but because anything is better than where you are right now. Sadly, my friend, this just leads to more discomfort.
When you take actions from the energy of fear, worry, discomfort, or pain, they will rarely lead to something that is truly in alignment with what is best for you.
For example, let’s say you’ve just had your heart broken. You feel like you will die alone so you immediately get on all the dating apps to try to meet someone. Blinded by your broken heart you throw all standards out the window and accept whoever is the first person to invite you on a date. 6 months later you’re in yet another mediocre relationship, not getting any of your needs met, or maybe even getting your heart broken again. Rather than fixing your problem, you've invited this other person to become a part of your problem.
I hope this time you recognize the value of sitting with your discomfort, however long it decides it wants to co-habitate with you, however long it takes you to find clarity, and then take your next action from a place of alignment, rather than escaping what you don’t want.
Actually what I really hope is that you are reading this piece of advice before you have your heart broken a second time. Trust me, I had to go through several heartbreaks to learn this one.
4. You’re blaming everyone and everything, but yourself
If there was ever anything that has the power to make one feel completely disabled, it’s the classic victim-mode. Unlike the control-mode I mentioned earlier, the victim mindset has you believing that you were simply dealt a shitty lot, and nothing you do will ever change your situation.
I get it. It’s so much easier to blame the circumstances. The thing is, if your circumstances are any reason to not take charge of your life then I hardly believe people like Oprah or Tony Robbins would be inspiring millions of people today.
So, start blaming yourself. Go on, I dare you. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, when you blame yourself, you actually take back your power over those circumstances. Ok, I admit “blaming” is a harsh word. So let’s replace that with “take responsibility for yourself.” You are the only one responsible for your happiness.
You know why that is extremely liberating? Because you have a much better shot at changing yourself and your own happiness than you do of changing other people. In fact, by changing yourself, you change your circumstances, including the people you interact with.
5. You’re blaming only yourself
Wait a minute, didn’t you just tell me to do exactly that? Yes, but here’s why I want to elaborate on this. If the reason you’re not taking charge of your life is because you have low self-esteem, you are no better off than the person acting like a victim. If you believe you’re not good enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough, not special enough or simply are a huge disappointment or failure, then you’re blaming yourself in a way that is not helpful. In fact, you are just making yourself another one of those circumstances. You catch my drift?
Do you know what you are underneath the story of your life, the thoughts you have, and the emotions you feel? Have you ever asked yourself “who am I really?” You are actually no different from anyone else, including those people you think are better than you. You are a body, some bones, some organs, and just a big glob of energy. You have superimposed this self-concept onto this body just like the person next to you superimposed theirs. Also, I guarantee you that those people you think are better than you also have people they think are better than them. Being "good enough" is all relative, so in the end, why does it even matter?
If everyone on this planet constructs their own self-concept, that means you could construct anything you want. So why not create a self-concept that is aligned with who you actually want to be? Smart? Funny? Capable? Creative? Rich? Free? Just because you weren’t self-aware enough when you created your current self-concept, doesn’t mean you cannot choose to consciously create a better one now.
6. You have way too much resistance
Am I suggesting you don’t actually want to be unstuck? No, not at all. I’m sure you’re actually completely unaware of what’s creating your resistance. When I say resistance I mean things like attachment to outcome, expecting the worst, and focusing on what you don’t have or where you aren’t.
When you become attached to an outcome you create more suffering. If the outcome you want most right now is just being unstuck, every time you feel your stuckness you are reminded of how you don’t have what you want. You feel farther from the object of your desire and this perpetuates your heart ache. You feel like your soul is bleeding or like you’re a prisoner.
Every time someone asks you how you’re doing, you’re reminded that you don’t feel great. Have you ever started venting to a friend all of what’s going wrong and then realize afterwards you actually feel worse? This is because you are reliving your pain every time you tell the story, and you know what happens each time we tell the same story right? We elaborate for dramatic effect. So by retelling it, you're actually believing it's gotten worse and worse. This is what causes you to spiral out of control and literally cast yourself into eternal damnation in that bottom-most pit of Dante's Inferno.
On top of this you also start expecting everything to go wrong, so naturally what does it do? It goes wrong. This validates your expectation and causes more expectations like it.
So let's interject with some logic here. If your mind can take you down this slippery slope, wouldn’t that mean it can also take you in the other direction? What if you start focusing on your wins, the small things that are going your way, the tiny bit of progress, until there’s so much momentum in this positive direction that turning around becomes harder?
I remember hearing an interview with Oprah once where she was asked how she got to where she is today and her response was that instead of focusing on what was going wrong she focused on what was going right, and look where she is today.
7. You’re not facing your fears and limiting beliefs
Veronika, you’re full of contradictions today! Didn’t you just say I shouldn’t focus on what’s going wrong? Yes, well this is the last contradiction and piece of advice I’m going to give you now. If you’re going to focus on your fears or limiting beliefs, don’t just repeat them to yourself like a broken record. Go in there, into that inferno of yours, and start reframing those nasty little parasites! Facing your fears and limiting beliefs is only useful if you’re going to choose better-serving ones! We can't avoid having a belief system. This is just as much a part of the human experience as wanting progression. So start creating a belief system that actually serves you!
That fear that you will make the wrong choice? Change that to “no choice is wrong. Every choice I make leads me to greater clarity.” That belief that you’re not loveable enough because your Mom told you so, change that to “My mom isn’t the planetary authority on who is loveable enough, and for that matter neither is my boyfriend or girlfriend.. I’m loveable enough because I simply am!”
These core beliefs that you’ve been living with your entire life are the biggest culprits behind why you are stuck today. They caught up with you. And they are putting their foot down and saying, we’re not going to budge until you deal with us.
So if you really want to set yourself free, and I think you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have reached this moment of truth, reevaluating your belief system is the number one most powerful place to begin making megalithic shifts. I’m telling you, you are going to move mountains once you let yourself go there. I’ve done it. My clients have done it. You, my friend, can also do it, and there is nothing I want more for you than to experience the freedom on the other side, because let me tell you, it is not just a pipe dream.